The battle of East coast and West coast took an undead turn for the worse on Saturday, as multiple reports have confirmed that the reanimated corpses of Tupac Shakur and Christopher “Notorious B.I.G.” Wallace shot and killed each other again in a Los Angeles recording studio.
The two legendary rappers were set to collaborate for the soundtrack to “Natural Born Killers 2,” and had started the first day of work when the incident occurred. Witnesses claim to have seen the two arguing over a particularly sweet G-Funk beat before pulling knives and guns on each other.
Hip-hop producer Dr. Dre, who was present at the session, had a few words to offer reporters.
“It’s a shame, I was really starting to feel relevant again. Hold up, could we go bring Eazy-E back to life?”
Biggie was roused back to the light by rolling over shortly after the release of “Notorious,” a piss-poor representation of his career funded by his money grubbing mother. He quickly rejoined Bad Boy records, but on the condition that P. Diddy would admit that he has no talent and would never rap on a song again.
Zombie 2pac made his triumphant return to the streets of L.A. upon the arrest of Suge Knight, a former manager and a legitimately terrifying person.
Since rising from the dead, the two rappers have confessed to planning each other’s murders. Each party issued a statement.
“I hit ‘em up…that’s the past. I’m back, I got double the albums, picture me rollin’ bitch, sippin’ on that thug passion.” – 2pac
“I told him, ‘touch my cheddar, feel my barretta.’ Motherfucker didn’t know, got smoked for bein’ resistant…” - Biggie
Normally, these confessions could be used in court, but the lack of any legal precedent for zombie murder has prosecutors shrugging their shoulders and shaking their heads. Even though we didn’t ask for it, Kanye West offered his own eloquent take on the matter as yours truly was interviewing someone more interesting.
“Yo, journalist dude, I’m really happy for you and I’mma let you finish, but ‘Dawn of the Dead’ was one of the best movies of all time.”
Police officers on the scene offered their own racist take.
“I’m gonna be honest with this situation,” explained Detective Wally Whitewash, “Undead anti-role models killing each other? The likelihood of catching the culprit is slim to none…our motivation right now ranges from ‘Snoop Dogg weed bust’ to ‘they were probably high on crack.’ I doubt it’ll reach the ‘Rodney King’ level.”
Both rappers were scheduled to make a guest appearance on HBO’s “Entourage” next week.
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